I often hear people compare dating in this decade to that of an almost desperate scavenger hunt, wherein people find themselves haphazardly searching about for their own undiscovered treasure in the form a lifelong soul mate, amidst a sea of difficult, dejected, or downright destitute pool of singles.
From both sides of the gender spectrum I hear stories of some, many whom are left wondering what exactly are they doing wrong, wondering why have their quest to find their own diamond in the rough have ultimately them feeling rejected and discouraged in their search. To those I say, hold on and don’t give up just yet! Often we are led to believe that we will find our treasures, qualities we seek in a long term mate, quickly and almost effortlessly! Many of us believe that things will magically mesh together in such divine order that all we can see is us in our best attire standing at the alter ready to exchange vows in ordained wedded bliss.
What if I told you, those types of fantasies are fine but rarely does it happen that way. That aforementioned scenario is more so the exception versus the rule!
The main issue here is we all want endless, blissful love with a spouse that compliments us in every aspect of the word yet many of us don’t want to do the work necessary or required to not only attract but also sustain what we desire in our lives. I’ve met so many individuals who will say Oh, she’s attractive , smart, charismatic and about her business but she has some issues she needs to work out” or “He’s educated, funny, handsome and driven but he never has time for me, I don’t feel he’s ready to slowdown” etc. Now some of these statements may hold validity in the sense that maybe he or she is just not compatible with you at this moment in life. That could very well be the case. Yet, how many times do we meet someone who has 80% of the qualities we essentially want in a mate and may not be fully developed on the other 20% yet we chalk the idea of the scenario to the side because it appears to be “too much work” to potentially help them develop that other 20% that he or she may lack. Assuming that these mates are willing learn and take on new adventures, hobbies, skills and/or ideas in life.
Now, let me be clear…. In no way am I saying we should settle for someone who is below our individual dating standards. Nor am I suggesting that we try to “change” another individual in a way that deviates from who they essentially are as a person. I am more so suggesting that maybe it’s time for you to step your game up in order to help an otherwise ideal mate co-develop that other 20%. For example, bruthas may say “she’s fine, career orientated, full time mother, part time student pursuing higher educational goals yet she doesn’t cook” or a sista may find herself describing her potential mate saying “he’s educated, funny, charismatic, a great father figure to his child, career driven yet he doesn’t regularly attend church”. If the potential mate is open and willing explore our ideas in these areas then what would it benefit you to not even try to help co-develop that person in these perceived areas where they may lack, so to speak.
Everyone wants a ready-made spousal candidate; you know the kind that you just add water! It almost feels like we all want our little pieces of perfection but no one wants to put on any elbow grease anymore and put in the work required to help further develop each other! We’re so caught up in seeking the full package so to speak that we pay very little attention to vast pool of potential around us because he/she doesn’t fit our personal criteria to the tee! Think about it, your future spouse should make you better in every aspect as you should provide that same level of self-improvement to them as well.
To many, the very idea of successful, fruitful and sustainable marriage is one where both individuals can grow and flourish together creating somewhat of a super entity. Whether it’s financially, spiritually, physically and mentally- or all of the above- we ultimately seek a journey with partner that can help to elevate us to higher heights in this life time. The key question here is; are you ready to be elevated and to do some elevating in the process? If she’s everything you want in a woman yet she can’t/doesn’t cook… set aside a day when both of you have some free time and give her a lesson or two! Not only could it shape up to be somewhat of a cool bonding experience it may help her discover something she’s missing and inspire her to grasp hold newly found skill set. Or worst case scenario, you’ll be the epitome of a husband who’s well versed in the Kitchen as meal preparation maybe fully tasked to you!
If he’s funny, educated, career driven and great father who may just skipped out on attending Sunday church services over the past few years. Try to arrange a day for you two to attend a service together! Maybe you two could even start in small steps and try attending a bible study on weeknight periodically. Worst case, the routine of everyday Sunday may not take immediate route but leading by example could help usher your potential mate to join you. If you’re an avid church goer continue with your routine and impart what you’ve learned from service when and where you can within your relationship Sometimes all it takes is for us to go a little harder, exert a little more effort and know that NO one person is perfect in the sense of 100% soulmate/life partner potential but if he or she motivates you to step your game up to fill in that other 20%…. I say, rise to the challenge!
Happy Hunting in 2016!
