I grew up in a single parent household, daughter of a serial entrepreneur. My entire life I saw the ups and downs of being your own boss, and in some part of my young mind I knew that I too would follow the same path. I had hardly any pieces to the game board of understanding, but my blood sang with ideas and big dreams.
A girl turns into a young woman, and with that wind of change came nuggets of wisdom that began shaping me. I thought surely, by the time I finished my MBA and started my first real career I would be accompanied by the love of my life supporting me every step of the way, encouraging, comforting and… present.
*Hahaha*
Crazy situation after crazy situation found me in a death spiral of confusion that would put Star Wars to shame… yeah.. I said it… I became increasingly baffled by the home training my mother had tirelessly drilled into me, and the actual reality of the situation – times had clearly changed and had rendered my entire game plan nearly useless. In fact, a shoving a soggy napkin into a gunshot wound might have worked better in lieu of the way I stumbled through an alien, wig-busting abyss that would be dating as a single black woman.
So life took me a different route, finding my passions and purposes (since there is never truly just one). Bit by painful and excruciating bit, I climbed out of the miserable hole the recession had drop kicked me into, and came out the other end an entrepreneur in spades! God guided me from those depths of despair, and because I listened and acted dutifully, I found an inner strength I never knew existed. I am a strong, beautiful, God fearing, passionate determined woman who strives daily towards building community and family. That first step? Deciding you are worthy and then sticking to it.
You know what they say about those lemons….
It took a long time to reach a place of self worth and confidence high enough to demand the love and respect I knew I deserved. It started in my business life – having the balls to ask for MY money, thickening my skin the naysayers and Debbie Downers and cutting off people who tried to waste my time (something that is always in short supply). Then the “Aha” moment went off. I saw things happening in my business life because of the new attitude I had adopted, and I felt so silly – why not adapt these same principles to my personal life? I mean… why not? Not like anything else had been working.. right… right?!
I see wonderful women being passed up and trampled upon in the current desperado dating game. If you are too successful, all of a sudden you are intimidating. If you are too nice and wonderful, all of a sudden you’re SO wonderful they just could not take it…. *Scraaaaatcchh* What? Who says that? Are we supposed to lower our standards because someone else’s convoluted state of emotionally being is driving them off the deep end? I think not… Then it started working. I realized that I began avoiding so many unnecessary situation-ships by taking a step back from myself (and my hormones) and making sure my needs were a part of the negotiation – UPFRONT.
You cannot present an image to a someone that appears one way, then switch up and become a needy cling-on the next. You want a relationship and they don’t? Move the f*** on. Do not apologize for being intrinsically female. Yet, if you portray a falsehood, be prepared to deal with the outcome. I realized I was happier avoiding a waste of my (precious) time since it IS a commodity after all…
You hold on to your morals dammit, invest in some toys if you must… but stop settling for the unnecessary and unfulfilling. As a woman, our spirits and nurture centers exist in the very essence of us. To continually draw upon these stores to deal with some unnatural BS… to then deplete your stores in the constant struggle of trying to bend your will into submission… no you cannot change him, no you cannot trick him or throw it on him so good he will never leave…. IT will leave you a shell of angry bitterness that is just not worth it! Stop throwing good money after bad, and wait for the one who will make your heart soar out of its chest, your blood turn to molten desire, wrap you in his strength and treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
Learning to master emotions has helped tremendously in this effort. If you can master your emotions, develop the ability to hog tie them into compliance at a moment’s notice, then you can enter the board room of love on your own terms. You would not leave money on table when signing a contract would you? Seems silly to do it to your needs and heart.
