Time after time, man after man I met—it was all the same thing. I found myself in a constant struggle. It meant, that dating came along with the type of pressure that objecti ed me. With each new “situationship” came an emotional attachment that became such a burden. In a FWB situation, the expectation is that you don’t function as if you are in a relationship, but many men actually do want some form of emotional attachment inside these NSA FWB relationships. I found they were dropping tiny bombshells that revealed bits and pieces of their feelings for me. Leaving me to either piece the pieces together to create a full story, or just ignore the whole thing altogether.
“What I found most interesting is that it should have been easy to hit the eject button, but it never seemed “ok” to just dump those undesirable situations. For example, toward the end of 2015, as an early new year’s resolution, I decided that I would only entertain the type of relationship I really wanted. After all, if I know that my goal is to be in one, then why would I commit my time to someone who doesn’t share the same goal? That’s just stupid. The goal is to spend time with a person who is open to what we have developing into an exclusive relationship, as opposed to being stuck in a physical relationship with someone who has no intention of being exclusive. I don’t require an immediate relationship, I just want to know the option is on the table. That’s the simplest answer to the whole “women want to meet and be in a relationship right away” argument. My response to that is men want to meet right away and have sex, but the difference is that a woman usually wants to work her way into a relationship. Men will take sex on that first date. See the projection there?”
The dangers of FWB’s with or without NSA are ATTACHMENTS!
They weighed me down and began to affect my happiness. A simple night of Netflix and chill could easily turn into aggravation that I just didn’t need. Who needs to go through frustration, disappointment, hurt, feeling disrespected or any other uncomfortable feeling for a relationship that isn’t going anywhere? Of course I knew these things already, but I still found myself in the midst of it. By the time August came around, I found it very easy to just say “no, I’m not interested!” I bravely took the path of straight honesty, unwilling to compromised my “deal breakers” no matter what. Moving forward became easier, not because it was less painful when I experienced disappointment, but because I had drawn a line in the sand.
In my quest to change, I even let go of an on-again-off-again relationship that lingered on for 6 years. Even though It had became extremely toxic, I found myself unable to let go because of the attachment I’d developed with him. But, it had to be done. Sure, letting go was difficult at first, but I swear every time I miss him, I think about how disrespectful he could be at times and I knew I would never, EVER accept that behavior from anyone else.
Being so straightforward and honest with myself and others has been dif cult. I’ve had to end relationships that I didn’t want to—but I needed to let go. My pride has taken a few blows and I do feel a little beat up, like I’ve been in a ght. It’s better to continuously seek what it is that I truly want and accept that rather than to accept what I don’t want and feel hurt behind it.
Last, to the men, accept it when a woman says she doesn’t want a physical relationship with you. Stop trying to break us down and insult us when we don’t give you sex. This is ATLANTA for crying out loud. You can probably fi a hundred women to do whatever it is you want. Don’t try to deceive a good woman into doing what you want, just because you have to have her. This is where you’ll need to be unselfish. Become aware of the damage that you do to women when you break them like that and then treat them like they don’t matter after you’ve gotten what you want. Now, justify their bad behavior by saying women are usually “gold digg’in” Yes, that may be true in some cases…but let’s just be honest, there are far more women than men here in Atlanta. So, the force you see at work here is men primarily taking advantage of the women. If you’re not making at least 6 gures, she’s not a gold digger because you really ain’t ballin’ dawg. A true gold digger is getting that change from several 6 figure brothers and Atlanta has plenty of them.
She’s not dating you for a free meal and if she is, you’re in the wrong dating pool. So let’s just stop that argument right now. If you make less than that and you have a woman in your pocket, it’s most likely because you are in her panties. Think about it, you can’t even get sex from a hooker for free…so what makes you think you should be able to pick any woman off the street or internet and she’s just supposed to cook for you, let you lay in her bed and give you sex and for nothing in return? No title, no relationship, no money, no status, no day time affection, not a thing. Yeah, things don’t work that way. That’s not gold digging, you’re paying for services rendered. If you don’t want her in your pocket then get rid of her. If you still have her in your pocket then you’re not willing to let go of an attachment that’s ruining your dating experience. You’re the only one who can x that. See what you’re doing right there is hating the players…and that goes against “the game”.
TAKEAWAYS
• Before anything else be VERY FIRM about your deal breakers. Just, please make sure your deal breakers are reasonable.
• Free yourself from attachments that don’t make you better.
• Assess your past experience and do some soul searching to make sure you are not projecting your past on a potential mate.
• Say what you want and mean what you say with care, you don’t want someone being mean to you, do you?
• Be honest! With that comes the need to be vulnerable sometimes.
